Rainbow Paradise Song
Dreaming a Better Future
For the dreamers, makers and creators existing in this liminal world who want to build a better one for living and thriving.
Before we build anew, we need to destroy the old with the careful dismantling of the structures that built our present: preserving the structures that will continue to serve us, and discarding those that have held us back.
What can I do with my life?
Why do I exist? Why do I live the way I live? If I didn't need to make money to get my needs met how would my daily life change? What would I stop doing and what would I do more of? Do I think something else would rise up to take the place of money? What would it be and what would it be used for?
If there was a thread I could pull to untangle my life, which one would it be? Self? Work? Study? Family? Health? All of the above? I look at what the pain points are in my life. What am I searching for? What do I feel I need? What do I lack? Why and where do I get the feeling that I am not enough, that there is something *more*?
I don't know what I'm doing.
Understanding there are no answers to life is disconcerting. The only answers that exist lead to where others have already gone, which may be the one direction I don't want to go on. If I could ask anyone for the secret of life... who would I trust to tell me an amazingly true and profound answer? What they are doing differently with their life? Add a bit of that. And a bit of this. And make up the recipe for life as I go.
Why am I lonely?
I am lonely because I feel that I am separate from people. I can accept that I am separate and learn to live with it, or I can accept that I am not separate and could be doing something different. Neither option is easy. Being lonely, for me, is about sensing that my alone-ness is wrong and should be solved or cured. What if I celebrated it instead? Food for thought.
How can I get better?
Better is tricky. We can all improve, though for many of us, better is a non- existent future tense that never arrives. Better becomes the carrot permanently dangled in front of me. Recognizing when I'm the one that is setting up these milestones that always get pushed back gets me into a state of accepting -what is- as perfectly OK. I am a work in progress, my worth is not determined by the end product but by the process. I am enough.
What can I DO, now.
Resist. The sense of urgency comes to me when it is anxiety speaking instead of calm or peace. There is nothing I can do NOW to change how I feel. I want to change it because I don't want to feel whatever it is that I am feeling. I give in to the feeling. To the deepest version of it that I can access. I let myself sink into it deeply and let it churn through me and spit me out the other side. With practice, it takes me a couple of minutes of deep feeling before it passes. I resist making up a story to go with it, thoughts can feed into it, and I only need for it to pass through and bring up what it needs.
Walking in the shadows
Why do I self sabotage?
I don't feel I can achieve what I want, so I make it so that I have a perfectly reasonable excuse for why I didn't get there. Can't lose if I don't play the game. The opposite is true as well: If I participate in everything, then I can't focus on that which I really want. I push myself out of these comfort zones bit by bit; I test the waters before jumping in. Deciding the water is too deep and dark for me to jump into is also perfectly acceptable, I can always choose different the next time. I make it my point not to beat myself up for it. Being aware is one step closer to stop calling it self-sabotage and call it "I am protecting myself from something and is it still a risk for me?"
What do I fear?
What do I run away from? What situations do I avoid and why do I avoid them? If I avoid situations where I can be hurt emotionally, is it a rational or irrational fear? How can I prepare myself for this eventuality? If I avoid situations where I can be hurt physically, why don't I find myself questioning it? My fears show me the areas of my life where I still have shadows. The point is not to dispel my shadows, just acknowledge and understand they exist. Like in the space under a large tree in a courtyard, it can be the perfect comfort on a sunny day, no need to cut off the tree because the shadow in the dark makes me shiver.
How do I self-medicate?
The cures I choose for my problems point towards that which I want instead. If I go into fantasies and dreams of a better life, building a better life in reality is a great place to start. If I want to stop thinking, then I want a world where my mind is at peace. If I distract myself with other people's problems, I have a desire to help. If I want to chase pleasure, then is my day to day existence filled with duty and little rewards, maybe I need to let in more joy in. Our bodies know what we want, even when our minds may not yet understand.
Why is this happening to me?
Reality does not work under theoretical constraints. There are no reasons why, there are only ways in which I can face that which I go through, whether or not I can explain how or why. I now ask myself what I can learn from whatever is happening. As bad as I have it, there are many others who have it better and many others who have it worse, and there is not one scale that we can measure people's hurt. It just is. The lottery of life. What can I make of this situation, how can I apply what I learned to the rest of my life? How can I honor what is happening and what tools can I use to help me through?
Ups and Downs
Being human requires experiencing all emotions. If I divide good vs bad emotions, then I will try to get all the good ones in, and then I will have to experience all the bad ones at once as well. This system is reflected in bipolar humans. However, I believe that if I allowed myself to grow and exist as humans should, my good and bad would be balanced, and I would be able to roll with the emotions and feelings and not have them swamp me. Like a dam on a river, if I repress emotions, they will come spilling out.
Society established in regions with seasons believes that humans should also have seasons. However, there are many cultures that have existed without seasons... How were they meant to balance out the good and bad? I need to look at my circadian rhythm and establish what sort of rhythm I will need to follow and then go and find that environment for myself.